Mothers and Authority

It was not in a grove of trees, and I did see pillar light when first communed with Heavenly Mother. Instead, lying crumpled on the floor my shower, hot water beating down upon me. My breasts were heavy sore from producing milk for second baby, colicky newborn who would just stop crying. called out help, “Heavenly Mother, need you. Where are you? Why can't talk to you?”I Her. hear But felt Her presence had thought that quite own: “Katie, am here. Who do you think has authority talking me?”The astonished granted more life than God Herself? Yet knew answer: Gordon B. Hinckley.As Mormon girl growing up nineties early aughts, adored prophet. gathered dad brothers proudly watch him represent us Larry King Live. listened as Hinckley responded question about women priesthood: “Well, they don't hold priesthood at present time. take another revelation bring about. anticipate it. The church complaining . They're happy. any complaints it.”1 As child didn't words man been taught God's spokesman. When later quotations his 1991 general conference address, “Daughters God,” sure he must be correct it inappropriate anyone Church pray our Mother Heaven.2As only family five brothers, saw gender discrepancies youth programs, but trusted leaders told me honored viewed Eve differently other traditions. We revered making brave wise choice partake fruit launch Father's plan salvation into action. atonement Jesus Christ never backup plan—it plan, required Eve. utterly unprepared have trust shattered went through temple time 2008. twenty years old getting married few days later.In endowment ceremony, seem honored. In film, she depicted airy naïve, after partaking fruit, punished put under Adam's stewardship extent made covenants her husband God. Then silent. church, praised talks lessons, came ordinances structures power, still subject all consequences patriarchy—men lead home Church. To add insult injury, endowment's depiction creation world humankind, nowhere found. Creation an all-male endeavor. sobbed celestial room realized this Motherless house.3 know what say ceremony mine tears joy.It year later, semester English master's program Brigham Young University, read feminist book—Refuge: An Unnatural History Family Place by Terry Tempest Williams. She wove together narrative mother dying ovarian cancer rising flood waters Great Salt Lake. wrote watching men lay their hands mother's head bless her; night, asked if could feel tumor, belly, prayed.4 some history giving blessings laying hands, hadn't before considered claiming power myself. Williams described acting midwife death, end new sacred way.In 2010, got speak lecture series BYU. audience challenge being accepted writer among Mormons due unorthodox beliefs practices. spoke book review Refuge published Dialogue: A Journal Thought 1995 argued choosing give birth herself, refused connection women. criticized calling herself “midwife” death then argued, “It painfully appropriate, however, since one refuses might best dead flock.”5 pain criticism, wondered aloud if, having adopted child, now sufficiently woman critic. And wondered, lost pregnancy miscarriage months earlier: even feminists tradition “sees differently,” woman's belonging expressed exclusively multiplication sorrow conception?I gave copy Mother's Day 2010. month diagnosed (later reclassified primary peritoneal cancer). next two filled surgeries, chemotherapy, scans, sickness. belly swelled fluid grew became firstborn son. phone frequently, comparing detailed stories rushing toilet or trash can vomit, commiserating each other's disparate pains. died complications related May 2012. buried day Day. grief rose, intertwining awakening search voices who, whether biological mothers themselves not, questions heart.In followed experience shower David Paulsen Martin Pulido's “‘A There’: Survey Historical Teachings Heaven.” Their essay reassured “sacred silence” surrounding official doctrine repealed people start speaking up.6 Rachel Hunt Steenblik, worked full-time research assistant Pulido, that. 2017, pregnant fourth final poetry collection Milk: Poems Search Mother7 bought many copies friends neighbors. Despite this, wasn't acceptable openly church. both explicitly implicitly mothers, seek matter how nonbinary queer individuals pushed narrowness path.In learned happy agitating change, reflecting reality, trying create words. He spent organizer Church's anti-ERA campaign.8 well-acquainted organization ERA members agitated equal rights United States Constitution. seeking greater within Church, too. 1993, Ezra Taft Benson mostly incapacitated health issues.9 counselor, de facto leader during September Six excommunications intellectuals, including several writers Maxine Hanks's Women Authority, 1992.10 there asking equality recognized, denied these push conversation where wanted go.Perhaps is intentional mechanism patriarchy times symbols while actual cut power. systemic inequality we ready point allow dismiss concerns. Look, Mother! (Just Her.) honor Eve, All Living! notice use Garden Eden mythology justify earth heaven.) Humans meaning-making story symbol express, teach, share. inherently problematic uses womanhood. problem womanhood deny privilege margins.Symbols adaptable, order using symbolic weapon silence women, willing listen act those hurt way fail minorities temple. rolled significant changes ceremonies January 2019 expanded Eve's role overt sexism ceremonies, accompanied message First Presidency instructing discuss changes.11 While found important starting toward egalitarianism, demand fresh injury. updated version “the aren't it”—because aside inherent idea voice equates complaining, placing fine signal them all. changes, remained house.Hinckley-era redirection theological shortcomings regarding working anymore. Especially younger generations, top reasons leaving Church.12 address eternal potential satisfying way. insist “our happy” excommunicating informally pushing fact, current dynamics. sons daughters Primary children ways learn until twenties.Heavenly needs theology own. This will grow sought Her, which require centering marginalized, pretending speaking. Through poem-turned-hymn “O Father,” Eliza R. Snow turned hearts Mother.”13 Perhaps publicly now, turn ears well. Maybe someday won't so astonishing call believe heard answered.